How to Talk to Your Brain Chip Hesitant Friends and Family

What follows is only a slight parody of several recent articles on talking to vaccine-hesitant friends and family (examples, references, and some thoughts here), with a sprinkling of references to other news which you’ll recognize if you’ve read this. Wherever you may stand on the above issue, I pray that seeing some of the same arguments used for technology that’s only a little further down the line will help in thinking ahead about difficult choices, social messaging and stigma, and what it means to be human.

Note: This public health message is included in all Brain 2.0 automatic update packages. In the unlikely event that 6G is unavailable in your area, this article will automatically be saved to your offline neurostorage as you read.

Many people have concerns about implantable brain-computer interfaces despite the fact that they have been overwhelmingly proven safe, effective, and necessary for humanity’s evolution. Experts say that every person is responsible for talking with their friends and family about the need to get brain chipped so we can end the blight of mental unfitness and take charge of our evolution as a species.

Professional psychiatrists warn that the brain chip hesitant need to be spoken to in very specific, approved ways to bypass the outdated, evolutionarily maladapted bio-brain’s frontal cortex defenses and to maximize coercive effectiveness on this very important public health issue.

Make sure to speak as if they are a preschooler, using a very compassionately condescending voice so that they won’t feel as if you’re condescending and shaming them. Ask open-ended questions so they feel heard while you wait for them to stop talking. Example: “Where did you hear the very nonsensical idea that the brain implant is unsafe? How did you feel when you were maliciously targeted by that fake news?”

Try to get to the root of their concern, which will inevitably be something minor and silly. Example: “I understand that you might be worried about having some mild discomfort with a brain implant. But think of how much more uncomfortable it would be to be left behind as everyone else unites with AI and has infinite knowledge and possibly even immortality through brain upload.”

Remember to affirm their autonomy by mentioning words such as freedom which will appeal to the reptilian part of their weaker, unchipped brains. Though the chip will soon be mandatory, it is also a highly personal choice which must be respected as such. Example: “Getting the BCI will give you the freedom to hold a job, participate in the economy, and see your grandkids without them thinking you are a braindead human 1.0.”

Make sure to use artificial empathy as designed by Sophia the robot and available as a free download with any brain chip product. If you haven’t received it yet, simply find the nearest 6G hotspot to activate your automatic updates. Example: “It sounds like you are feeling stressed because you saw Russian propaganda about Neuralink killing monkeys. That must be difficult for you. It’s so sad that dangerous misinformation agents spread claims like that on social media and lead innocent people like you astray. You poor dear.”

Next, try to psychoanalyze the root cause of their fear which they are in denial about. We include a quote from a licensed psychotherapist so that the reader of this article is now an expert on this topic as well: “For many, brain chip hesitancy might come from the fear of being smarter than your parents. I assure them not to worry — the brain chip can remove that fear and delete all memories related to it!” – Dr. Sandra Hoostenbuggy, Ph.D., Verified Expert. You can also remind the anti-chippers that their fears are just an evolutionary maladaptation and pale in comparison to the one rational fear as promoted by Elon Musk: humanity will be taken over by AI if it doesn’t merge with it via brain-computer interface.

Offer them the Certified Facts™ which only you, the expert on the matter because you read this article, can provide. For instance:

• It is 150% safe and effective, proven by very reliable and thorough Science™. Every scientist and doctor agrees, and it doesn’t matter if they only agree because the brain chip told them to at risk of grey matter liquefaction. The brain chip is omniscient and replaces all fallible human thinking with AI-powered 100% verified fact-checked truth.
• Don’t worry; that monkey report and all other studies with unfortunate misleading results have been deleted from all Metaverse realms and replaced with adjusted and re-mastered research results that prove the monkeys were very happy and evolved into humans even more quickly. Imagine what it can do for people who are already humans!
• Besides this, the newest version of the chip was brought to us directly by highly advanced aliens with perfect technology. So if you’re worried about any of the manmade brands, simply ask for Alien Implant™.
• Show them studies about how people who don’t want the implant have been proven to have sociopathic, psychopathic, and narcissistic traits (making the need for their chipping even more urgent, as public health demands the monitoring and remote treatment of all mental illness).
• The brain chip is paramount for public safety, as it can predict crime and mental aberrations before they occur, thus saving millions of lives each year.
• Though the most popular implant option is called Hackable Human, this has nothing to do with any ideas that “technocrats” (a derogatory term that the conspiracy theorists have leveled at our beloved neo-philanthropists) are alleged to have expressed in the past about controlling brains or hacking humans. How silly. All educated people know that the product is solely meant to empower its user.
• Testimonial evidence is now the most reliable form of science, so make sure to tell them in a positive tone (you can download a handy emotion and voice-enhancing app straight to your brain) all about your beautiful experience getting implanted.
• Since you are a good citizen who already has your very own BCI, you can download more handy facts like this straight to your brain by simply thinking “BCI facts” when near any 6G receiver. Your AI will automatically filter out all disinformation.

Remember, your anti-brain chip friend is likely making all their decisions based on emotions rather than facts, so you may not get through to them with the above scientific approach. If not, it’s time to start using expert-recommended evidence-based psychological persuasion techniques:

• Show them video clips of all of the cool celebrities and politicians getting their brain implants on live TV.
• Remind them that they will be able to demonstrate their own upgraded status as part of New Humanity by wearing buttons, stickers, a special mark on their forehead, and social media profile frames.
• If the positive approach doesn’t work, show them all the celebrities and newscasters who have called people like them selfish idiots who should be banned from society.
• Remind them that they will seem very dumb around those who have the chip and can download information on anything they want at the speed of light. Are they prepared to be turned down for jobs and not be able to keep up with dinner party conversations?
• Tell them their kids will not only be made fun of in school, but they will have to go to remedial classes for dumdum bio-brains and they will also be taken away by the state because it’s child abuse to force them to be intellectually disabled and unable to join Humanity 2.0.
• Build on your relational credit by suggesting to them that you will no longer be able to visit one another, due to the increased disparity in intellectual capacity and evolutionary progression. You also may need to keep them from your children/grandchildren, as their cult-like values could be a poor social influence and their inferior brain simply can’t access all the tools and information necessary for perfect AI-enabled response in case of emergency.
• Remind them that their unwillingness to participate in this important public health and safety measure is not only selfish but makes it seem as if they have something to hide. If they won’t allow the brain tracking method, proven most efficient and cost effective, they will require increased external surveillance and be a financial burden on taxpayers.
• Make sure to be honest and admit to the possible but very rare side effects so they will trust you. Example: “Yes, there is a very slight possibility of a runny nose for a couple days, but 95% of people died, which means they had zero side effects. You need to know how to appropriately interpret the studies to understand.”
• If they are religious like many primitive humans, tell them that getting the implant is how they love their neighbor, because society can’t evolve as a herd unless everyone does their part. Also put them in touch with a Certified Trusted Pastor who will reassure them that it’s not the mark of the beast.

Finally, you can support your friend by helping them find nearby brain chip insertion centers staffed by friendly reassuring faces and trusted community leaders such as pastors and Walmart greeters. Help them make an appointment and schedule daycare or time off work, and offer to drive them to make sure they get there. Your Smart car will auto-lock as soon as they are inside and friendly robot assistance is available at every BCI center.

Does this sound absurd now? What happens when it doesn’t?

Consider these recent words from the World Economic Forum: “Are we moving towards a ‘brave new world’? As scary as chip implants may sound, they form part of a natural evolution that wearables once underwent. Hearing aids or glasses no longer carry a stigma. . . . Brain implants take us one step further and allow us to tap straight into the body’s ‘operating system.’” Also see my post Coincidental Convergence for much more on the fourth industrial revolution, transhumanism, and its socialization and normalization.

Who has the right to define what it means to be human and where our future lies? Technocratic futurists? Or the God who created us?

Which one will you worship?